He Is Not Done With Me Yet

It's really easy to look perfect in today's society. It's not hard to make it appear that we have it all together, all of the time. And maybe some people actually do, but I for one, know that I don't. Not even a little bit. So allow me to be honest with you.

On any given week, looking in on my life, you would notice that:

I get really angry when I am driving behind cars going below the speed limit. Really angry is being generous. I turn into a not so smooth talking sailor who huffs and puffs and blows by the car the first chance I get. This does not make me cool. This makes me inpatient and rude.

My feelings get hurt a lot and way too easily. Too often, I let people determine my worth. I know that's not where my worth comes from, but I would be lying if I said that there were never incidences where I equated unanswered phone calls, ignored texts, or comments made by those around me to how worth it I am.

I get really awkward when I am anxious. I straighten my bangs with my hair and stammer. I talk in circles and try to overcompensate for my nerves with humor, but my anxious humor is never funny. In fact, it generally doesn't even make sense. And if it makes sense, it's probably offensive and I end up crying about potentially hurting someone's feelings later.

I am a procrastinator, in everything. From school work to future life plans. Some people work under pressure. I don't work unless there is pressure. Nor do I get out of bed the first, second, or third time the alarm goes off and if it gets to the fourth time, I'm out a shower. So I wear hats. A lot.

I have this reoccuring fear that everyone I care about is eventually going to walk away and forget me. And I know it's a lie straight from Hell, but I believe it time and time again and expect it to happen. And as a result, I put that expectation on people. Any indication that there is a chance someone is pushing me away, my thoughts take off and before you know it, in my mind, the friendship is already over when in reality, they never even got my message.

I hate, hate, HATE it when people do not say please or thank you. One unsaid thank you and you can't get me down from my soap box on how entitlement is ugly and that thankfulness begins where entitlement ends.

Which brings me to my next point. I'm a hypocrite. I hate when people forget their thank yous, but sometimes days go by before I ever stop to thank God. Days.

Sometimes I gossip and I'm really good at justifying it. I could justify it all day long, in twelve different languages, and at the end of the day, it would still be gossip. And it breaks my heart because I am a big believer in speaking life over people and into situations and gossip is not life. My gossip is normally judgement. And when I said I could justiify it in 12 different languages, I lied.

On days where I am feeling emotional, I emotionally eat. Tim Horton's suddenly becomes my best friend and eating 20 timbits in 10 minutes becomes my favorite pass time. And after that doesn't work, I sleep. If sleeping doesn't work, I cry. And generally when I am crying, I realize that my first action should have been prayer.

One of my favorite songs right now is by Will Reagan and is called running in circles. One of the lyrics in the song is " I am so forgetful, but You always remind me that You're the Only One who brings me peace." This song is about me. I am so forgetful.

But I am so thankful that He always reminds me. I am so thankful that even though I am not perfect and that I do not have it all together, He calls me His anyway. And He can handle all of  me. Nothing about my life has ever been perfect, except for Jesus. He is.

"I can't understand this work of grace.
How a perfect God would come to take my place.
The stars, they don't move you.
The waves can't undo you.
The mountains in their splendor, they cannnot steal your heart.
This God, who is holy. Perfect in beauty.
Awesome in glory is ravished by my heart.
Though I'm poor, You say I am lovely.
Though I'm dark, You say I am beautiful.
Somehow my weak glance has overwhelmed You.
Somehow my weak love, it has stolen away Your heart"

I am so incredibly thankful that I am His and He is mine and that He is not done with me yet.

Faith, not Fad.

I recently read a study done by Willow Creek Church in which they defined spiritual growth as increasing in love for God and for others. And I love that definition mostly because it did not confuse spiritual growth with church involvement. Although one does not have to exist without the other. In fact, I would argue that church involvement fosters spiritual growth. But I would also argue- not always.

Later on in that study, it stated that "God "wired" us FIRST and foremost to be in a growing relationship with Him- not the church." And that's the distinguishing factor for me. If my relationship with Jesus is growing along with my church involvement, my church involvement will probably support my spiritual growth. However, if only how many services I serve at and how many events I go to is growing and I'm not growing my relationship with Jesus, my faith is a fad. A fad is defined is "an intense and widely shared enthusiasm for something, especially one that is short-lived; a craze." And faith that is a fad makes me really sad.

This is so close to my heart because when faith is just a fad, people are missing out on the freedom and abundant life that comes from knowing Jesus. And I know that a church is a better place for people to be and has the greater chance for those whose faith is a fad to grow into real faith, but not if we are unwillingly to challenge it. The danger of tolerating fake faith is that it creates a superficial atmosphere and Jesus is not shown in the superficial.

Faith that is a fad is contagious, but so is genuine faith. It is my assertion that fad-like faith is not bad, but it's a sign that an individual is seeking and desiring more in their life, but for that person,  faith is unfamiliar territory so they attach themselves to things that are safer, like church involvement. Which is awesome, but unless that person is met with someone committed to real spiritual growth, faith that is only a fad will become the norm, the accepted, the "that must be what this is", and that person will be left missing out and because fads are short-lived, they will leave and move on when the next fad comes.

So my challenge is to those who are committed in their faith to be committed to being genuine. How often does our own faith look like a fad? How many times do we say "you should help out with this event" or "volunteer here" without actually caring for the heart of the person?  What if we stopped leading tasks and projects and started leading people? What if instead of encouraging relationship with the church, we prayed people would be in relationship with Jesus and then be lead, rather than persuaded, to be involved with the church? What if our hearts started to break for fad-like faith and we began to realize our own contribution to the problem? What if we stopped confusing church involvement with spiritual growth?

I'm not sure about you but when I imagine what that would like that and how communities would be transformed, it takes my breath away and I am undone by the reality that God promises that He will do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine. And I'm left speechless in awe of the Creator of the Universe.

Holy moly. Who is like our God? For Whom nothing is impossible.

I think maybe I feel so strongly about this because I recognize how much authenticity in people and the sharing of their genuine faith has touched my life. Read more here.

Words Matter.

Words are no joke.

God created the world by speaking His words and left us His word to communicate with us. He also tells us that "the simple moral fact is that words kill" (Matthew 5 MSG).

Words kill.

To me, that's a scary statement because there are many times where I am much too free with my words. OR on the flip side, there are times where I don't speak the words I should, words that could be life-giving to situations or individuals and it is my assertion that while words can kill, unspoken words can also kill. What we say matters because we are formed by the dialogue we engage in.

We are Formed by Dialogue

"Adult dialogue in particular can be edifying. When two persons meet together, each may know things the other does not and each may see things about the other that the other does not. So if they love each other, dialogue between them inevitably leads to enrichment and building up of each other.....Moreover, human image-bearing is especially realized in dialogue with the living God, who is speaking to us one way or another through Scripture (most clearly), through the creation, and through our dialogue with others" (Johnson, 2007, 14-15).

Human image-bearing is realized through dialogue with God and sometimes He uses us and our dialogue with others in the realization process. Therefore, as it says in 1 Thessalonians 5:11, we are to "encourage one another and build each other up, just as you are doing."

Words Matter

Life and death are in the power of the tongue. I understand that truth and as someone who has been given abundant life through Jesus, I want my words to be words of life and this influences my dialogue. Speaking life and encouragement are close to my heart and while there are many moments where I fail at this, it is something that I am intentional about in my relationships. I want people to know that someone is proud of them, that someone thinks they are great, that they are loved, that someone is praying for them, that they look nice, that someone is thankful for them, and that someone is rooting for them from their corner. So I tell them and I make sure that I only tell them things that I mean because one of my biggest frustrations is empty words said for the speaker's own benefit, but that could be another whole blog in it of itself.

Speaking those kinds of truths over people matter because we are formed by dialogue. By doing this, we are showing Life in a world that is desperate for it and I know that this matters because often times when I am speaking truth to someone, I hear the enemy's voice the loudest.

You are annoying. You told them that last week. They don't think you mean it. Encouraging words to them from you have lost all meaning. They don't care what YOU have to say. Why would your thoughts towards them matter? All your words are doing is bothering them. You should just shut up.

So sometimes I do. I shut up and I don't speak the life that I could have spoken. I allow death to keep its ground- Leaving the person who was feeling defeated, feeling defeated. The one who thinks they are all alone, thinking they are all alone. The one who feels unnoticed, feeling unnoticed. And while I am under no impression that my words can change those things apart from Jesus, I do believe that Christ in me is the hope of glory and that life-giving words push back some of the darkness. Shutting up doesn't. Unspoken words can also kill.

This is a hard post to write because the past month I've been listening to a lot of dialogue. And the dialogue that I've been listening to sounds a lot like what the enemy wants me to believe. He wants me to think that my words don't matter because I don't matter and that when I encourage others all I am is a bother. And there have been moments throughout the month where I have believed that. There have been moments where I have told myself that I just won't say certain things to people for awhile and maybe then it will mean something to them. There have been words said that have been met by silence and in the silence, satan shouts "I told you so" and I've believed it.

But there have also been moments in the past month where people have said "I'm proud of you", "I'm praying for you", "You are loved", "I am thankful for you", and "I think you're great." And I know how those moments made me feel and how life-giving those words were and how thankful I am that those people did not shut up.

Words matter. Whether they are valued or not, they matter. Whether I'm seen as a bother or not, they matter. Whether I've said it 100 times or not, they matter. Whether I'm annoying or not, they matter. We are shaped by our dialogue.

God communicates to us and others through dialogue. Dialogue is made up of words. Your words, or lack of words, matter.

Speak life.

Featured Friends Friday: Robbie and Leticia

Meet Robbie and Leticia. I'm not sure how I went from being too shy to say a full sentence to them to being comfortable enough to call them when I'm upset, but I'm really glad I did.

I think the likely answer is that they're great. Actually, more than great. They are such incredible conduit's of God's love. I have never left a conversation with them or time spent with them questioning their love for me. And loving in that kind of way is a characteristic that has been passed down to their three beautiful children. It's impossible for me to walk into their house and not feel loved and valued.

It has been a honor watching them raise their children up in the way that they should go over the years. I met them when their two oldest were still babies and Christian wasn't even yet born. Now, they are all in school or pre-k and it is a privilege to see how they've grown. Last weekend, I was able to watch as their oldest son was baptised and I was overwhelmed knowing how many lives his little life has already touched and how great the plans that God has for him are as he continues to grow. And I found myself so thankful for Robbie and Leticia and their commitment to raise their kids in a home that serves the Lord.

One of my favorite qualities about these two, and there are many, is that there is never an air of judgement around them. On more than one occasion, I've shared things with them that were likely judgement-raising kinds of sharing and have always been met with love and truth. I'm fully convinced that I could share anything with them and find myself in a safe place. And because I know they're safe places, I've come to them in moments of frustration and sadness and been able to drop the mask I was wearing and simply be. And in those moments, I was met with individuals who rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. I was met with people who made time to stop what they were doing to sit with me and speak truth to me, over me, and for me.

It's also impossible not to have fun when with them and their family. I would bet you to try to spend an hour with them and not laugh, but it's an unfair bet- because it's an impossible task. You will laugh and you won't be able not to.

 

Robbie and Letty, thank you for allowing me into your lives and sharing your family with me. My life has been richly blessed by you all in it and I know it will continue to be. Thank you for being constant sources of encouragement and love. For being listening ears and compassionate teachers. For all the laughs and all the prayers. And not being scared off by the tears. I love you so very much!

Featured Friend Friday: BA

 

 

 

Meet BA (Brette-Ashley).

 

BA is one of my oldest (as in years known) and dearest friends. She knew me way back in middle school when I was the dorky little girl on the soccer team with the bleached black collared shirt, big framed glasses, and braces. And now years and years later, she still lets this dorky grown girl call her friend.

 

 

I am so lucky to have been able to grow up and do life with this girl by my side. There are few people who I am as comfortable with as BA. I love that when we get together, no matter how much time has lapsed in between, it is like no time has passed at all. We can always pick up where we left off. And I love how when we get together, it doesn't matter what we do- from ripping out carpet to taking naps as we fall asleep to our latest TV season binge- I leave feeling refreshed and rejuvenated.

 

 

When I think back on our friendship, it is impossible not to laugh at all our memories. Placing second in the talent show in high school, even though none of us knew how to play our instruments. Winning soccer sectionals in the snow. Wearing tap shoes to Family Video. Making confession videos. Choreographing dances. Rapping raps. And so, so many more.

 

Most of our memories are very silly and I am so thankful to have a friend to be silly with, but who I can also talk "real life" with. One of my favorite ways to pass time in an afternoon to sit across a room talking to this lady.

 

 

In the last few years, BA has picked up photography and is doing some great work. And I can say from experience (hahaha) that she is a pleasure to work with. You can check out her stuff at: http://www.bretteashley.com/ || Sidenote: Love the new site look and music!

 

 

I read a quote the other day that said:

 

"We click. There aren't many people that you just 'click' with,

and when you find those people, you don't just let them go."

 

Since I've known, BA, we've always clicked. And the friendship we have is one of my very most favorite. I feel so blessed to have lived life with her for so many years and privileged to know that there will be many, many more years because well, I'm just not letting her go. I love you, BA and I am so thankful to call you friend.

 

And for your viewing pleasure, here is some silly.....

 

 



 

I am Dysfunctional

Last January, I had the privilege to visit an outreach center connected to a local church in Rochester through the program I am in at Roberts.The assistant pastor spoke and his message has played over and over again in my mind. I decided to look back on my journal entry from that day to read through my reflection and this is what I read....

"I don't want to forget what the pastor said tonight. He said that the people that come into the center are often living in dysfunction and sometimes that dysfunction feels safer than not living in it. It's familiar to them. It might not be comfortable, but they've learned to be comfortable there. They've learned how to survive there. Sometimes the thought of leaving that dysfunction- that familiarity- is terrifying because it's all they know. He was speaking about people who are addicted to drugs or alcohol. People who are stuck in abusive relationships. People who are trapped in cycles of prostitution. But he was also talking about me. I haven't been able to get that thought out of my mind since I heard him say it. I haven't been able to forget that because how often am I in desperate need for a breakthrough or change, but feel the resistancy in my spirit and feel the fear that is shouting out at me that if this really happens, what will that look like? It's scary. Change is scary."

I wrote that on January 21st, 2012. Now fast forward to almost exactly a year later (1/18/13)  and in my journal you would find...

"So often God is knocking at the doors of our hearts with so much to offer that He wants to give us and delights in giving us, but we politely just take a bite because we know if we fully embrace it, our lives will be transformed and sometimes, if we're honest, transformation doesn't fit into our schedules. We don't have the time to grieve or weep or pray or praise and we know those things accompany radical transformation. We are used to our patterns of dysfunction and our busyness and even though we know transformation is GREATER, we choose familiar. We are scared, but we are forgetting that Perfect Love is at our door promising to cast out that fear if we welcome Him in. We are settling for good when the choice for BETTER is longing for us to not be satisfied with only a bite."


It's easy for me to look at the lives of others and pick out what is wrong. It's easy for me to identify patterns of dysfunction in those around me. It's easy to see their BETTER and to overlook how hard it might be for them to take the steps needed to get there, because they've become comfortable in their familiar. Even if their familiar comes with addiction, oppression, or depression.


But if I am really honest with myself, I would have to say that I am only walking and living in a "bite" of what God has said that He has given me. I have settled for patterns of dysfunction in my own life and chosen familiar over better countless times. But Perfect Love is at my door and I am going to answer it.  And in doing so, it's going to require that I become more acquainted with discomfort and unfamiliarity, but I am learning that it is in moments or seasons of unfamiliarity where I become more familiar with God.

I think maybe when God gives us the ability to see dysfunction in our lives and the lives of others, He wants us to remember how scary it is for us and instead of pointing fingers or writing people off, He wants us be people who say "it's going to be scary, but it's going to end in BETTER." I think He wants us to be people that come along side  one another, recognizing our own brokenness, and say "I'm on this journey too. You are not alone. Together, let's become more familiar with God. It might be uncomfortable, but the God of all Comfort is on the throne."

And He makes broken lives beautiful....

Featured Friend Friday: Becca Johnson

Meet Becca. My Buddy.

About 6ish years ago, I say 6ish because I'm not sure if it was 5, 6, or 7 years ago, I walked into church late (how times have changed) and my ears were graced with the voice of a new worship leader. At least, new to me. And while Becca's voice in it of itself is captivating, I was immediately taken by how authentic her worship was. I was relatively new in my faith, but I saw Jesus in her and knew without even yet knowing her that she was someone special.

Now, 6ish years later, I can boldly proclaim how right I was and how thankful I am that somehow since that day we've gotten to the point where I now call her friend. Well, I call her buddy. But those are synonyms, right?

Throughout the years, everything that I initially believed about Becca has proven to be true over and over again. There are few people I know who speak with such a combination of truth and grace or with as much careful consideration of the words that they say. There are few people I know who will challenge my own words or actions and will hold me to a standard that does not compromise my beliefs. When I find myself in a bit of a mess, she's the kind of person I'd want to meet in a parking lot. I mean, she's the kind of person I'd want in my corner.

Bob Goff, in his book Love Does, mentions that "psychologists are now theorizing about the separation of the brain and the mind. The brain is the stuff in your skull. But the mind, they say, works a lot like the Internet, a map of information collected from all our experiences and interactions with other people. In other words, we become connected together and are influenced more than we think." If that's true, then I am pretty thankful that for the last 6ish years, I have been connected with such a quality person. And I would argue that not only has Becca influenced me more than I probably think, but she has definitely influenced me more than she could possibly know. So much more.

I can not fail to mention the fact that Becca is also an incredible mom to a sweet baby girl who melts my heart every time she calls me buddy. Even though a majority of the time, she is afraid of me or playing coy, I always leave interactions with her with a smile on my face. That must be one of those "like mother, like daughter" things.

Buddy, I am so thankful for you and for the influence you have had on my life. Thank you for your prayers, listening ears, words of wisdom, and hello and goodbye hugs (but not for 20 seconds- that's weird). Thank you for knowing my crazy and keeping me anyway, for my favorite half and hours, and for holding up 3's on weekends (even though that has nothing to do with me). 6ish years ago, I was drawn to how Jesus shown through you. And now, 6ish years later, I still am. I'm proud to call you friend and hope you know just how much you are loved. Because you really stinkin are. You can probably see it in my eyes. It's been a lovely 6ish years and I'm keeping you for many, many years to come. Hope you're okAY with that.

K, Bye. :)