Dear Self,

Stop. Stop living in fear. It changes the way you walk. You know this. You. know. this. Remember the frog? It seems silly, but it's the perfect illustration of this principle. It stopped you from moving.

[I should explain the frog comment. I am terrified of frogs. Just seeing one makes my stomach turn and one night, not too long ago, I came home late and right in front of the steps to my house, there was a frog. A big, nasty, gross frog. And it stopped me in my tracks. I'm embarrassed to tell you how long I stood outside my house strategically planning how I was going to get in. I'm also embarrassed to tell you that for weeks after, I only stepped in certain spots just in case the frog was around. I'm sure I looked crazy to my neighbors. But I digress...]

Fear does that. It paralyzes you, but it's contrary to love. Because love does. (Thank you Bob Goff). The word does implies action. It means you're doing something. You're called to be a doer of the Word (James 1:22). Stop fearing so you can move. You've got dreams. Huge, crazy world changing dreams. And even though, they are huge and crazy, they aren't impossible. You've got influence that you aren't walking in because you're stopped. Go.

You want to know the remedy to fear? Love. Perfect Love casts out fear. God is love and God is light. Remember that whole frog story? You walk differently when the outside light is on. When you can see the dark for what it really is. It's the same principle with fear. When you shine some light on in, it looks differently- the Life Light blazed out of the darkness and the darkness could not put it out.

Hold your fears up to the light, Truax.

The fears that scream at you that you won't be adequate. You'll never be enough.You aren't going to matter.You will fail.You are all alone.There's someone better than you to do it. It's too big, you can't do it.

Those thoughts will stop you. Those thoughts will paralyze you. Those thoughts will get you nowhere- they are rooted in fear. Stop and shine the light on them. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. God's plans for you are for you to prosper and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future. You. It says you. It means you.You might fail, but the righteous fall seven times and rise again. And when you are weak, He is strong. He will never leave you or forsake you- You aren't alone. There's someone better than you to do it? Okay Moses, tell that to the people who won't get let go. And nothing is too big for the Lord.

Stop. Just stop. Stop focusing on your fears. Because your fears are all about you. And it's not about you. It's never been about you. Stop focusing on the fact that you can't, you won't, and you aren't and start focusing on the fact that HE IS. He is strong when you are weak. He is more than enough when you fall short. He is faithful when you are faithless. His ways are higher than your ways and His plans are greater than your plans. It's not about you. It's all about Him. He doesn't make broken lives beautiful so that we can look good- lives are made beautiful so that when people look at us, they see Him. It's not about you. The reality is that when you fall flat on your face and when you are at your lowest, He shines the brightest. When it's evident that you have no strength left and you're weary, every step you take points to Him because it is not on your strength you are rising. It's on His.

Truth be told, You aren't ever going to measure up. You're always going to fall short. But stop focusing on that. Stop fearing that, because Perfect Love has come and said that His grace is sufficient for You. And when Perfect Love comes, fear can't stay.

 You have to stop, before you go go.

Rwanda: The Rest of the Story

So now that about a month's worth of Wednesdays have come and gone without "it" being written, I've decided to write on a day other than Wednesday and in a manner not consistent with what I have been previously doing. Look at me breaking routines. Instead of giving you the rest of the Rwanda trip day by day from my journal- I'm going to summarize the last six days. You're welcome- you now will not be reading a book. You'll be reading a blog. With pictures. Winning.

8/7/12

Kids came to check out the after-school learning room today. There were so many children to play with. It was incredible and crazy fun.

We played the game headbands. There is a language barrier so explaining the games at times was difficult, but these kids are brilliant and caught on quickly. The older kids also helped us to translate.

 

I showed some of the kids some magic tricks. I figured since it was magic camp at Pearce it was appropriate. And as it turns out, magic is pretty universal. The kids loved it. Ishmael caught on fast and then wanted to learn how to do it himself. He learned it a whole lot faster than I did.

 This boy in the orange shirt completely captured my heart. We played some made up version of patty cake and giggled about absolutely nothing. I could have giggled with him all day long. And by all day long, I mean forever. I could have giggled with him forever.

Some kids at the office reacting to seeing their pictures on the camera. How stinkin cute are they?

8/8/12

"It's so easy to fall in love with this place and these people. I'm so thankful for the experience" That sentiment about sums up everyday while in Rwanda, but I wrote it on this day. We spent the day at the school program, again.

 

Just some of the faces that I got to spend the day with. Kamanzie, Protogene, and Ishmael. I think their pictures alone explain the whole "it's so easy to fall in love with this place" notion.

 

8/9/12- "So today we drove to the Noel Orphanage, in Gisenyi. It's 4 hours away from Kigali and the scenery on the way there, was breathtaking. I could have stared out the window forever. Once we got to the orphanage, hundreds of kids swarmed our van wanting to say hi and touch us. One girl, she is 14, and her name is Maria grabbed my hand and for the rest of the day was by my side. Every time I went into a room through the front door, she would be there to meet me at the back door to grab my hand again. It broke my heart to see how desperate these kids are for love, but it made me so thankful to be there to have the opportunity to love on them."

 

 

(This is Maria)

 (Maria, Jon, Benwaeh)

 

8/10/12- We spent the whole day at the Noel Orphanage. It was incredible. Incredible being a huge understatement. I loved the entire day and every child that I met easily stole my heart, but there was one baby who I met, who not only stole my heart, but still has it. Her name is Gracie. She was playing in a field and came running over to me with outstretched arms saying "Mama." I picked her up and played with her. And for over an hour, she would not let me put her down. I sang with her and hugged her and cried every time she rested her sweet little face on my shoulder and clung tighter. That Gracie girl won me.

 

 

8/11/12- We spent the morning again at Noel before heading back to Kigali. I think I'll let my journal do the talking on this day " How do you even begin to put into words the end of a trip like this? How can I write about saying goodbye to children that took my breath away? How can I possibly describe what it was like to fall head over heels in love with children and have to hug them and tell them I love them, knowing that I may never see them again? How do I write about how there was so much more I wish I could do? I can't possibly. There's a saying that God sleeps in Rwanda, but I'm fully convinced He wakes here too. I am so incredibly moved by this country. Jesus, all I can do is give You praise. All the glory. All the honor. All the praise."

 

 

8/12/11- This is the day that we boarded the plane to come back home. This is the day where I once again learned that Rwanda is my hardest goodbye. This is the day where I already starting dreaming about my next hello. Oh Rwanda, you have my attention.