What I know..

Zora Neale Hurston wrote, “There are years that ask questions and years that answer.” For me, this has been a year that asks questions. I quit my job in August and decided to go to Guatemala for two months. The plan sounded well thought out. I would go and learn the language, to come back and find a job using the said newly acquired language in the social work field. I had saved enough money to pay for my bills while I was away, as well as live while I was in Guatemala. The logistics were covered.

But as I am learning, I can have the head knowledge all figured out and sometimes my heart just won’t keep up. My time in Guatemala was hard. Probably because if I am being honest, Guatemala was an escape- an escape that I didn’t spend much time praying about, but sounded really good in theory- an escape that wasn’t even an escape at all. Prior to going to Guatemala, I was feeling unsettled in my life, in almost every area. I was questioning God because I felt as though I kept showing up and He was nowhere to be found. I told myself that would all change in Guatemala. Guatemala, of course, was the answer to everything. It turns out it wasn’t.

I cried a lot in Guatemala. I felt more alone than I’ve ever felt before. I felt like an inconvenience to my host family and my emotional and mental health was completely depleted. If prior to going to Guatemala, I felt as though God was nowhere to be found. While I was there, I was certain He had turned his back on me and I couldn’t even bring myself to pray about it. Laura Winner writes, “But the simple truth is that when you don’t know what you believe and you don’t know where you are or you think you’ve been deluded or abandoned or you’ve glutted yourself with busyness and you are hiding from yourself or the day has just been too long- if that is who and how you are, prayer sounds like a barefoot hike up a Volcano: it would be nice if you got there, you are sure there is a nice view at the top waiting for you, but there is really no way you can imagine actually making the walk.”

And that’s how I felt, every day, not just the day we decided to actually hike a volcano and that’s how now being back in the States, in a time of transition, I still feel. It’s how I feel when I read the news and see the hateful responses to refugees or another name has become a hashtag. It’s how I feel when parents are arrested for the death of their 3 year old baby. It’s how I feel when towns are devastated by natural disasters or a family is broken. This God life sounds great and I’m sure it’s going to be worth it, but how long oh Lord must we actually make the walk?

I’m learning though that too often I think I’m making the walk alone. It’s easy to think God must not be present when things are hard if you’ve been taught that God’s goodness is seen only in the tangible: health, money, success, etc. It’s easy to be mad at God when you aren’t getting your own way if you’ve been taught that following Him equates to your best life now. It’s easy to think the Light of the World has abandoned you when you find yourself in darkness. But God doesn’t leave us in the darkness.

I went to a conference months ago and the speaker talked about a young girl who had committed suicide and the scared youth leader who called him, not knowing what to say to the rest of the youth group. The speaker said the youth leader said multiple times, I just don’t know what to say. The speaker asked “What do you know?” and the youth leader’s response has stuck with me. She said, “I don’t know why she did it and I don’t know how she did it, but I do know that my Jesus was sitting there with her the whole time.”

And the whole room cried, because the Jesus who doesn’t leave us in the darkness is the Jesus who is the hope of the world.

Barbara Brown Taylor writes, “Even when light fades and darkness falls- as it does every single day, in every single life- God does not turn the world over to some other deity. Even when you cannot see where you are going and no one answers when you call, this is not sufficient proof that you are alone. There is a divine presence that transcends all your ideas about it, along with all your language for calling it to your aid, which is not above using darkness as the wrecking ball that brings all your false gods down- but whether you decide to trust the witness of those who have gone before you, or you decide to do whatever it takes to become a witness yourself, here is the testimony of faith: darkness is not dark to God; the night is as bright as the day.”

While Guatemala may have been and this transitioning season might also be a season laced with darkness, while the world is full of heartbreaking news, while nations rage and kingdoms plot in vain, while sickness sometimes wins and marriages sometimes end: I don’t know the reasons why. In fact, I don't know much, but I do know that Jesus is sitting with us the whole time and the darkness isn’t even dark to Him and that is my hope.