He Is Not Done With Me Yet

It's really easy to look perfect in today's society. It's not hard to make it appear that we have it all together, all of the time. And maybe some people actually do, but I for one, know that I don't. Not even a little bit. So allow me to be honest with you.

On any given week, looking in on my life, you would notice that:

I get really angry when I am driving behind cars going below the speed limit. Really angry is being generous. I turn into a not so smooth talking sailor who huffs and puffs and blows by the car the first chance I get. This does not make me cool. This makes me inpatient and rude.

My feelings get hurt a lot and way too easily. Too often, I let people determine my worth. I know that's not where my worth comes from, but I would be lying if I said that there were never incidences where I equated unanswered phone calls, ignored texts, or comments made by those around me to how worth it I am.

I get really awkward when I am anxious. I straighten my bangs with my hair and stammer. I talk in circles and try to overcompensate for my nerves with humor, but my anxious humor is never funny. In fact, it generally doesn't even make sense. And if it makes sense, it's probably offensive and I end up crying about potentially hurting someone's feelings later.

I am a procrastinator, in everything. From school work to future life plans. Some people work under pressure. I don't work unless there is pressure. Nor do I get out of bed the first, second, or third time the alarm goes off and if it gets to the fourth time, I'm out a shower. So I wear hats. A lot.

I have this reoccuring fear that everyone I care about is eventually going to walk away and forget me. And I know it's a lie straight from Hell, but I believe it time and time again and expect it to happen. And as a result, I put that expectation on people. Any indication that there is a chance someone is pushing me away, my thoughts take off and before you know it, in my mind, the friendship is already over when in reality, they never even got my message.

I hate, hate, HATE it when people do not say please or thank you. One unsaid thank you and you can't get me down from my soap box on how entitlement is ugly and that thankfulness begins where entitlement ends.

Which brings me to my next point. I'm a hypocrite. I hate when people forget their thank yous, but sometimes days go by before I ever stop to thank God. Days.

Sometimes I gossip and I'm really good at justifying it. I could justify it all day long, in twelve different languages, and at the end of the day, it would still be gossip. And it breaks my heart because I am a big believer in speaking life over people and into situations and gossip is not life. My gossip is normally judgement. And when I said I could justiify it in 12 different languages, I lied.

On days where I am feeling emotional, I emotionally eat. Tim Horton's suddenly becomes my best friend and eating 20 timbits in 10 minutes becomes my favorite pass time. And after that doesn't work, I sleep. If sleeping doesn't work, I cry. And generally when I am crying, I realize that my first action should have been prayer.

One of my favorite songs right now is by Will Reagan and is called running in circles. One of the lyrics in the song is " I am so forgetful, but You always remind me that You're the Only One who brings me peace." This song is about me. I am so forgetful.

But I am so thankful that He always reminds me. I am so thankful that even though I am not perfect and that I do not have it all together, He calls me His anyway. And He can handle all of  me. Nothing about my life has ever been perfect, except for Jesus. He is.

"I can't understand this work of grace.
How a perfect God would come to take my place.
The stars, they don't move you.
The waves can't undo you.
The mountains in their splendor, they cannnot steal your heart.
This God, who is holy. Perfect in beauty.
Awesome in glory is ravished by my heart.
Though I'm poor, You say I am lovely.
Though I'm dark, You say I am beautiful.
Somehow my weak glance has overwhelmed You.
Somehow my weak love, it has stolen away Your heart"

I am so incredibly thankful that I am His and He is mine and that He is not done with me yet.