Road Signs

Last week, as I was praying about what to share at a retreat for my internship, an image/experience kept coming to my heart. The image: Driving behind a Semi.

When you get into your car to head somewhere, you typically know the destination. You know the roads that you need to take to get there. You know the stops you need to make along the way. You know the direction you're headed. And then, you get stuck behind a Semi. A semi that constantly is stepping on the brakes, a semi that is driving 15 miles below the speed limit, a semi that is randomly stopping and going, and you can't see around it to see as to why. A semi that is now preventing you from seeing what is up ahead.

In that moment, if you're anything like me, you start focusing on the Semi. How come it's slowing down? Enough with the brakes! Pull over, already! What the... And for the sake of a blog that is public, I'm going to stop my train of thoughts right about there. No one needs to meet the road rager in me.

But in focusing on the Semi, I'm forgetting that I am still on the same path that I was  when I started the drive. If I look back, I can still see all the turns and stops I've made to get where I am. I'm still headed to my final destination- whether the Semi is in front of me or not.

In Psalm 119, the psalmist writes "Barricade the road that goes Nowhere; grace me with you clear revelation. I choose the road to Somewhere. I post your road signs at every curve and corner. I grasp and cling to whatever you tell me. God, don't let me down. I'll run the course you lay out for me if you just show me how (29-32 MSG)."

How many times do we stop focusing on the fact that we are on the road to Somewhere when we find ourselves behind a Semi? How often do we lose sight of the dream because someone tells us we can't? Or the obstacles seem impossible to overcome? Or the doors keep shutting? Or the process is taking longer than we wanted? How many times in the midst of all of this, do we forget to look back and remember where God has shown Himself faithful. Where God has proven He is for us.

There's going to be some bumps in the road. We're bound to hit some monster pot-holes. Heck, there might even be some ridiculous detours, but if we're posting road signs at every curve and corner, when a Semi comes and we can no longer see what is ahead, we can look back on the road signs that we have posted and declare that we are still on the path to Somewhere. And that even when we can't see the end of the road, we can rest in the fact that we know where it ends.

I think sometimes we get so caught up on where we want to be and how come we aren't there yet, that we forget where we have come from and where we have already been. Jeremiah 31:21 reminds us to "set up road signs, put up guideposts. Take note of the highway, the road that you take." I love this idea of setting up road signs because to me, it brings perspective to a journey. I love knowing that even if you're stuck behind the biggest, most inconvenient semi to ever drive, you can look back and realize that the semi hasn't changed where you're heading. It might have changed the rate in which you get there, and increased your levels of frustration, but you're still heading to the same place you set out for at the beginning of the journey. Road signs enable us to stop looking at the Semi long enough to look back on all that's already been accomplished by the grace of God

"Once again, I'll go over what God has done, lay out on the table the ancient wonders; I'll ponder all the things you've accomplished and give a long, loving look at your acts. Oh, God! Your way is holy. No god is great like God. You're the God who makes things happen, You showed everyone what You can do" (Psalm 77:11-15).

Dear Self,

Stop. Stop living in fear. It changes the way you walk. You know this. You. know. this. Remember the frog? It seems silly, but it's the perfect illustration of this principle. It stopped you from moving.

[I should explain the frog comment. I am terrified of frogs. Just seeing one makes my stomach turn and one night, not too long ago, I came home late and right in front of the steps to my house, there was a frog. A big, nasty, gross frog. And it stopped me in my tracks. I'm embarrassed to tell you how long I stood outside my house strategically planning how I was going to get in. I'm also embarrassed to tell you that for weeks after, I only stepped in certain spots just in case the frog was around. I'm sure I looked crazy to my neighbors. But I digress...]

Fear does that. It paralyzes you, but it's contrary to love. Because love does. (Thank you Bob Goff). The word does implies action. It means you're doing something. You're called to be a doer of the Word (James 1:22). Stop fearing so you can move. You've got dreams. Huge, crazy world changing dreams. And even though, they are huge and crazy, they aren't impossible. You've got influence that you aren't walking in because you're stopped. Go.

You want to know the remedy to fear? Love. Perfect Love casts out fear. God is love and God is light. Remember that whole frog story? You walk differently when the outside light is on. When you can see the dark for what it really is. It's the same principle with fear. When you shine some light on in, it looks differently- the Life Light blazed out of the darkness and the darkness could not put it out.

Hold your fears up to the light, Truax.

The fears that scream at you that you won't be adequate. You'll never be enough.You aren't going to matter.You will fail.You are all alone.There's someone better than you to do it. It's too big, you can't do it.

Those thoughts will stop you. Those thoughts will paralyze you. Those thoughts will get you nowhere- they are rooted in fear. Stop and shine the light on them. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. God's plans for you are for you to prosper and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future. You. It says you. It means you.You might fail, but the righteous fall seven times and rise again. And when you are weak, He is strong. He will never leave you or forsake you- You aren't alone. There's someone better than you to do it? Okay Moses, tell that to the people who won't get let go. And nothing is too big for the Lord.

Stop. Just stop. Stop focusing on your fears. Because your fears are all about you. And it's not about you. It's never been about you. Stop focusing on the fact that you can't, you won't, and you aren't and start focusing on the fact that HE IS. He is strong when you are weak. He is more than enough when you fall short. He is faithful when you are faithless. His ways are higher than your ways and His plans are greater than your plans. It's not about you. It's all about Him. He doesn't make broken lives beautiful so that we can look good- lives are made beautiful so that when people look at us, they see Him. It's not about you. The reality is that when you fall flat on your face and when you are at your lowest, He shines the brightest. When it's evident that you have no strength left and you're weary, every step you take points to Him because it is not on your strength you are rising. It's on His.

Truth be told, You aren't ever going to measure up. You're always going to fall short. But stop focusing on that. Stop fearing that, because Perfect Love has come and said that His grace is sufficient for You. And when Perfect Love comes, fear can't stay.

 You have to stop, before you go go.

Rwanda: The Rest of the Story

So now that about a month's worth of Wednesdays have come and gone without "it" being written, I've decided to write on a day other than Wednesday and in a manner not consistent with what I have been previously doing. Look at me breaking routines. Instead of giving you the rest of the Rwanda trip day by day from my journal- I'm going to summarize the last six days. You're welcome- you now will not be reading a book. You'll be reading a blog. With pictures. Winning.

8/7/12

Kids came to check out the after-school learning room today. There were so many children to play with. It was incredible and crazy fun.

We played the game headbands. There is a language barrier so explaining the games at times was difficult, but these kids are brilliant and caught on quickly. The older kids also helped us to translate.

 

I showed some of the kids some magic tricks. I figured since it was magic camp at Pearce it was appropriate. And as it turns out, magic is pretty universal. The kids loved it. Ishmael caught on fast and then wanted to learn how to do it himself. He learned it a whole lot faster than I did.

 This boy in the orange shirt completely captured my heart. We played some made up version of patty cake and giggled about absolutely nothing. I could have giggled with him all day long. And by all day long, I mean forever. I could have giggled with him forever.

Some kids at the office reacting to seeing their pictures on the camera. How stinkin cute are they?

8/8/12

"It's so easy to fall in love with this place and these people. I'm so thankful for the experience" That sentiment about sums up everyday while in Rwanda, but I wrote it on this day. We spent the day at the school program, again.

 

Just some of the faces that I got to spend the day with. Kamanzie, Protogene, and Ishmael. I think their pictures alone explain the whole "it's so easy to fall in love with this place" notion.

 

8/9/12- "So today we drove to the Noel Orphanage, in Gisenyi. It's 4 hours away from Kigali and the scenery on the way there, was breathtaking. I could have stared out the window forever. Once we got to the orphanage, hundreds of kids swarmed our van wanting to say hi and touch us. One girl, she is 14, and her name is Maria grabbed my hand and for the rest of the day was by my side. Every time I went into a room through the front door, she would be there to meet me at the back door to grab my hand again. It broke my heart to see how desperate these kids are for love, but it made me so thankful to be there to have the opportunity to love on them."

 

 

(This is Maria)

 (Maria, Jon, Benwaeh)

 

8/10/12- We spent the whole day at the Noel Orphanage. It was incredible. Incredible being a huge understatement. I loved the entire day and every child that I met easily stole my heart, but there was one baby who I met, who not only stole my heart, but still has it. Her name is Gracie. She was playing in a field and came running over to me with outstretched arms saying "Mama." I picked her up and played with her. And for over an hour, she would not let me put her down. I sang with her and hugged her and cried every time she rested her sweet little face on my shoulder and clung tighter. That Gracie girl won me.

 

 

8/11/12- We spent the morning again at Noel before heading back to Kigali. I think I'll let my journal do the talking on this day " How do you even begin to put into words the end of a trip like this? How can I write about saying goodbye to children that took my breath away? How can I possibly describe what it was like to fall head over heels in love with children and have to hug them and tell them I love them, knowing that I may never see them again? How do I write about how there was so much more I wish I could do? I can't possibly. There's a saying that God sleeps in Rwanda, but I'm fully convinced He wakes here too. I am so incredibly moved by this country. Jesus, all I can do is give You praise. All the glory. All the honor. All the praise."

 

 

8/12/11- This is the day that we boarded the plane to come back home. This is the day where I once again learned that Rwanda is my hardest goodbye. This is the day where I already starting dreaming about my next hello. Oh Rwanda, you have my attention.

Rwanda: 8/6/12

8/6/2012

Oh Jesus, You are so incredibly breathtakingly beautiful. I see You here everywhere. I'm in love with this country. I am in love with these people. Today was wonderful. This morning we went to the African New Life Church's Dream Center and learned about the different programs there. It's so incredible to hear the different ways the church is being the hands and feet of Jesus. I love when the church isn't just a place where people come to, but rather a community of people who leave the walls of a building and meet people where they are. After all, we are the church, right? 

After we went to the Acres of Hope property and prayed about the work to be done there. Mike (our team leader) told us the vision and we walked the property some. The potential to be done there and the hope it will instill was tangible. The scenery was absoutely stunning. I fell in love with the country all over again.

 

Our next stop was the African Bagel Company for lunch, where we toured and heard from the woman who was operating it. She had the women who worked there come sing for us. They sang a few songs, one of which was "What a friend we have in Jesus" in Kinyarwandan. It takes my breath away when they sing. It is so pure and raw and real, and I love the reminder that we serve an international God. I could have sat and listened to them sing all day long.

 

 

We then went to the special needs orphanage and hung out with the children and some adults who live there. I loved them. This was the first time I was frustrated with the language barrier because I wanted to be able to talk more with the children. Because I couldn't, the best way to show love was physical touch. I loved loving them in that way. I held many hands and gave many hugs and smiles. Their smiles shone brighter than any star I've ever seen. They were incredible kids. It's heartbreaking to know that if they were in the U.S., the quality of care they received would be much more. The women who took care of them, however, were incredible- some of the most selfless people I've ever seen in my entire life. It was humbling and inspiring to watch them love on the children. When we first walked up, the children were all singing, laughing, and dancing in whatever capacity they could. It was beautiful. They are well loved and easily worked their way into my heart.

 

 

 

 

After our time there, we went back to the African Bagel Company to have a pizza party with the boys from the Home of Innocence. They sang and danced for us. It was really neat to see/hear them perform and watch how they support and interact with one another. These kids have completely captured my heart in the past few days. They are just so beautiful and their smiles....oh my gracious. I feel so lucky and thankful to be here and to have met them. I'm so crazy in love with this place, these people, this country. I don't even have the words. Holy Moly! Holy. Moly. Thank you Jesus.  

 

 

 

As I reread through my journal and about the experiences I had in Rwanda, it's frustrating to know just how far short my words fall. I wish that everyone I know could have seen the incredible beauty that was evident everywhere you looked. I wish you could have held the hands of the sweetest kids and spent time with the people. I wish you could have been there, because I know without a shadow of a doubt, that you would have been just as captivated, fallen just as hard in love, and walked away just as breathless. It would have been impossible for you not to. Oh Rwanda, you have won me.

 

 

 



 



Rwanda: 8/4/12 & 8/5/12

Some journal excerpts and reflections from the first Saturday and Sunday we were in Rwanda....

8/4/12
So this is what it feels like to come home?! I am exhausted, but so excited. On the flight from D.C. to Ethiopia, I ran into Mindy from the Health Academy. I haven't seen her since high school and we ran into each other on a flight to Africa....crazy. We got a man to switch seats with us so we spent the 13 hour flight catching up. It was really nice to have someone to fly with. I felt like it was just one more thing pointing to the fact that God's hand was all over this trip and a reminder of how faithful He is. Gosh, He is incredibly faithful. On my other side was Claude. Claude is from the Congo, but currently lives in NY. He was going back to the Congo to visit his parents. He was very sweet and fun to get to know. At the end of the flight, I felt like I was saying goodbye to an old friend.

We met the whole team in Ethiopia. Everyone seems really sweet and we all get along well. I am looking forward to getting to know everyone better as the trip progresses. We arrived in Kigali, Rwanda at noon today and waited for the luggage for awhile. Half the team did not get their luggage, but thankfully I got mine. I was even more thankful for this the next day- you'll understand once I share how Sunday started out. Later on, once we were settled in a bit, we went to the boys home- the Home of Innocence and met the boys. We played soccer and hung out for a little bit with them. I'm looking forward to spending more time with them. They are very sweet. Driving through the country can be a rough ride at times, but it is full of unmistakable beauty. Oh, that could preach. I need to sleep so I'm ready for tomorrow. I am so thankful to be tucked under this mosquito net, writing by flashlight. So unbelievably, unmistakably thankful. I can't believe I get to do this. What a privilege..

I mentioned in my journal that I was looking forward to getting to know the team more and I must say that I am so thankful for the team that was put together to go on this trip. To say that I enjoyed getting to know the team and watching them serve would be an understatement. I met some world changers over those ten days and it was such a privilege to hear and watch them share their hearts. I couldn't have picked a better team to share the experience with. God has this way of customizing things perfectly- this team was no exception.

8/5/12- This journal post was exceptionally long so I'm just going to give you some of the highlights from the day. Although, the entire day was a highlight. I wish that I could have taped the whole experience so that I could give more justice to it. Better yet, I wish that everyone I know could have been there to experience it for themselves. Next time, I'm just going to have to pack y'all in my suitcase. Anyway, here we go....

So remember that time I fainted and peed my pants in the van on the way to church? I wish I could say me neither. :) I don't feel embarrassed at all, but I do feel a bit like an inconvenience. They had to bring me home and Derek had to stay with me, which was very generous of him, plus the car seats were peed on. I woke up and had no idea where I was and the team told me everything. I am sad about missing church, but somehow have this strange peace about it. It's like God is showing me that I work so hard not to be an inconvenience to people who know me and love me, but He is reminding me that people are never inconveniences. These people don't know me hardly at all, but they stopped to take care of me. How much more would my friends and family? How much more would God? Sometimes maybe were supposed to "inconvenience" others, not for any other reason, but to realize that with love, it's not really inconveniencing. People matter more and friends like to help friends out. They don't see the inconvenience, they see the friend. And all of that applies even when I'm the friend and not the helper. I love so much to serve, but struggle with being served. It's crazy that on a missions trip to Africa, I end up having to be served in this way. God has a funny sense of humor, but what's the craziest part of all this not so fun memory- I feel as though God is smiling at me and saying " Hey, you're worth all of this." Holy Moly.

Thank you Jesus that the remainder of the day I did not get sick again. The team was so sweet to me when they got back. Michelle hugged me and I felt very loved. We headed to lunch and then the genocide memorial. The memorial was so heartbreaking, but there is so much beauty in the brokenness. This is the most beautiful place on earth. Seriously, I want everyone to come here.

Tonight, as we were sorting donations, the power went out and someone asked "Does anyone need to use my light to find their lights?" And I loved the imagery of that, because sometimes when we are in the dark, it's the light of others that helps us begin to see again. I loved that. I love that. I know, for me, there have been times where I've relied on the light of others to point me back when I've gotten on track. That's what ministry is- directing people to the light using the light in you.

Tonight I was wandering the kitchen looking for a garbage and Feas, the house keeper, helped me. He speaks little English and tried to teach me to say goodnight in Kinyarwandan. I couldn't do it. I can barely say big words in English, so to try to pronounce words in another language, for me, is proving to me nearly impossible. He was giggling a lot at me. I was giggling a lot at me. There was a whole lot of giggling going on. I could have laughed with him all night, over not being able to say goodnight. I love how this place is reminding me of joy in the simple things. Did I mention I love it here? Cause I really, really do.

Here are a few pictures of the guest house we stayed at in Kigali:

 

 

 

Rwanda: 8/3/2012

It's impossible to find the words adequate enough to describe my time in Rwanda. In fact, I've already written 4 different introductions, just to delete them all because they didn't capture what I wanted them to capture and the reality is, they won't. My words will never measure up when it comes to describing the people I met. There aren't words sweet enough.

But to not even try would be a shame, so I have decided for the next few Write-It-Wednesdays that I am going to write about my days spent there. Consider this your all access pass, because most of the posts are going to come straight from my journal- which I did not write in nearly enough.

August 3rd, 2012-

I can't believe that I just finished my first flight of three to Rwanda. I can't believe that I get to go back. My heart is literally bursting with excitement and overwhelmed by the faithfulness of God and how He has provided my every need of my journey to get here. I'm an emotional mess. I cried watching a teenage boy say goodbye to his mom before boarding. I cried when the sun started to rise over the clouds during the flight. And I cried when I read the sweetest letter sent with me by my sweet buddy. Love has already been stamped over this entire trip. I have been filled with it and I can't wait to pour it all out. I am so thankful. I'm sitting in the Washington D.C. airport and I've already been changed by the experience. I've already had to stop and catch my breath over the fact that I am actually getting to do this and I've already had to pause more than once to offer up praise and worship to the King of Kings because I have been overwhelmed by His presence. I am so expectant for the trip and so ready to be used in whatever capacity God asks me to be. Ask me, I am listening.

And that was just on the plane...I can't wait to share with you the days that I was actually in Rwanda and how my heart was spoken to while there. As I read back on this first day, one thing that sticks out to me is that I was so expectant and I had, whether I knew it at the time or not, preconceived expectations of how I thought the experience was going to be. While all my expectations were of a great trip, none of them were met. They were exceeded. Sometimes I forget that God's plans are higher than mine. This trip was a tangible example. I'll say it again....I am so thankful.

Rwanda: I wanna dance with my Father

This Friday, I leave for the most beautiful place I have ever been and when I actually grasp the reality of that I have to stop and catch my breath. I'm going back to Rwanda and it feels like a part of me is finally going home after being away for too long. I am going with an organization called All God's Children International and we will be working predominately with a few different orphanages.

I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't say it enough. My heart is so expectant and excited for what this trip is going to entail. I recently read a blog and it talked about how our society is so great at being "over" and "under" people, but so often we fail at just being alongside one another. On this trip, what I am looking forward to most, is being alongside the people at Rwanda. To love on them. To listen to them. To honor them. To learn from them. To just be with them.

When I had the opportunity to go in 2008, the moment I remember most is when we were teaching English in the high schools. Since the high schoolers were very into music, we decided to use worship songs to teach them English. We played the songs, passed out the lyrics, and went over the vocabulary. After all the questions were answered, we then played the songs again and sang them together. And I've yet to hear anything more beautiful. To hear these beautiful boys and girls singing with their broken English and Rwandan accents, adding drum beats and harmonies, and with all the emotion in the world about the God of every nation was breathtaking. Our differences didn't matter in that moment because the only thing that mattered was the fact that we had the same Father.

My sole hope for this trip is that my team and I can be vessels of the greatest Love there's ever been. That we can speak life into brokenness and be the instruments that Jesus uses to bring people into a deeper revelation of just how much He loves them. That He would be our guide and we would be unafraid following His lead...After all, He orchestrates the most beautiful dances.

I wanna dance with my Father. Bring on the ballroom.